how stupid could i be.......

Love has made me a fool Set me on fire and watched as I floundered Unable to speak Except to cry out and wait for your answer But you come around in your time Speaking of fabulous places Create an oasis That dries up as soon as you're gone You leave me here burning In this desert without you How stupid could I be A simpleton could see That you're no good for me But you're the only one I see

Sweet Nothings

"Won't escape my attention You keep your distance with a system of touch And gentle persuasion I'm lost in admiration could I need you this much Oh, you're wasting my time You're just wasting time" Listening to that song Sweet Nothings made me stop and think....."You're giving me such sweet nothing." It's sweet but feels empty. I no likey this game. I want it to end. The above paragraph is from a Tears for Fears song Head Over Heels....another good lyric song. My heart feels as though it's on fire currently. I feel like I am being punished without a crime. STUPID

Sisters are sisters.....to the end we go!

I am the youngest of three crazy ;) sisters. Three girls in a house is not easy. Oy! What's funny growing up is we argued, we shared, we had loyalty at the best of times and agression at the worst. Now this many years later we have an unfounded view of love and family. As put by my middle sister "You hurt one of my sisters and I come running with a shovel, and boy do I hate running." Truth. Who can you count on if you don't have family?????????? I am grateful. I am loved. And I will NEVER take my family for granted for the rest of my life.

A decade.....

Lily would be ten tomorrow. I admit I haven't looked at her scrapbook in a few years...I've been too scared. I know the emotion that it brings. I set the book in front of me face down tonight. Too scared to turn it over so instead I spent time running my fingers over it and remembering being pregnant with her. I was scared and excited for her birth. Never thinking that the abuse I endured could hurt her. How can I blame someone with 100% without knowing for sure. How? I do know I want her back and would give anything in this world or any other world to have her again. After sitting with the book in front of me for awhile I set it on the ground away from me. It eventually ended up back in front of me. Upon turning it over and seeing that precious face I lost it. Without even crying I had an ocean of tears running down my face. I finally worked enough courage up to open it. Seeing my pregnancy photos tugged at my heart. Then it went into labor....that stung. Finally seeing her sweet little body in that condition....I lost it. GOOD GOD I lost it. My heart feels like exploding from the emotion it brings. It may have already exploded. She was perfect. Absolutely perfect and deserved an amazing life. I couldn't protect her. During that time I thought God cared. I'm still torn over that one. An innocent, perfect being and He lets that go so easily. So Lilyan.....I love you. Forever my heart will ache and my arms to hold you. And 10 years old. Wow. What would you be like? Sassy? Quiet? A blonde? Would your red highlights have stayed? You would be in 4th grade. Almost done with elementary school. I had so many hopes and dreams for you. I had a wonderful pink and purple nursery ready for you. You came and left my world so quickly and quietly. My body ached after you were born. I wanted to nurse you so bad. Leaving that hospital empty handed broke my heart. Shattered it. I will never forget that empty feeling of going home and not having you. Your empty room and my empty heart. My life is forever changed because of you. When I go and visit your grave I just want to dig all the way down to you and take you away from there. You don't belong there my baby. I wonder about my hope....but I do know I have hope. I grieve with that hope. "I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake from which I'll never part. God has you in his arms, I have you in my heart."

You musn't be afraid....

to dream a little bigger, darling. Isn't that the truth? This is something that has been weighing tediously on me lately. Quote "I want to live a life worth writing about." I feel like (sadly enough) I have accomplished this. I've noticed that a lot of memories of mine have been stuffed down to the very core of my soul where I have anxiously pushed them. I look back due to certain circumstances and these certain memories so rudely interupt my life. How sad, how sad these memories make me. Not so much angry anymore but regretful in that I was once such a passive woman and let things slide that I never should have. It turns my stomach and it feels like more of a movie reel of memories turned into a movie of a life that isn't mine. Perhaps turning these memories into a book whether fiction or not would make me face them and deal with them. I sit down to write my current novels these days and it's like I have attention deficit disorder. Clearly I don't have that disease but I can't seem to focus on what I want. Discouraging is what it is. I have so much floating around up in my head idea wise but I choke when it comes time to communicate it.

???????????????????????????????

This posting requires no title...as my feeling apparently requires little to no attention. What do you do when you find yourself in a situation where neither one is to blame but there is still hurt~~~~~~ohhhh what to do? what to do??? How do you get it back to good....how??? I don't like punishment..i don't like it at all..god damnit i have fucking value. Tossing me aside is not an option....that's happened since i've left the womb and i am more than sick of it. I cannot...no strike that <----- last statement....I WILL NOT DO IT ANYMORE. DO YOU HEAR ME COSMIC WHOM THE FUCK EVER....uhhhhh take the flower earmuffs off and listen to this lowly human please...It's nothing that is owed to me by any means whatsoever but i will NOT settle!

That 'old' feeling

That same feeling....putting yourself out there. Out there to be loved or hated, judged or understood, appreciated or cast aside. It can make or break you. After so many tries at this you would think one would master this. Surprisingly, it seems impossible. Feeling as frail as flower petal we do it again. And again....annnnnd again. Wonder what makes it worth it to do it repeatedly...almost masochistic to know we may get hurt over and over but continue as though something could change. Then the feeling of shame and self loathing comes when it's the same result. Temporary soothing such as wine, girl bonding and shopping feels good but you lay down in bed at the end of the day to that depressed veil. Very consuming....

Farewell, false love, the oracle of lies, A mortal foe and enemy to rest: False Love: Desire: Beauty frail adieu Dead is the root whence all these fancies grew. ~Sir Walter Raleigh~ I'm on the verge of tears. I'm shocked at the double standard, the lies.

Fer-USTRATED

10:26 am. I want to do what I want to do. I am feeling backed against a wall right now. Against that wall is where I tend to lash out and my decisions very quickly. I really wish I could talk to my mom and hear her wisdom. Although, in my heart I know what she would say to me. It all comes down to one word..."Jimothy." Sounds strange I know but it makes sense to me. I await somewhat patiently, knowing that within time things will work out as they ultimately should. Perhaps I am overthinking? Perhaps I am not trying hard enough? Perhaps I am falling into old ways? One thing is for sure....to continue on this particular road I need a miracle to overcome. Maybe there is a spell out there that prove to be of help. In the end what if I come back to this same road I'm on....too many possibilities. One thing I do know...."Do whatever makes you happy cause in the end, you're the only one who's guaranteed to be there."

If you want more love, why don't you say so?

Oy vay.
Again I say Oy vay.
WHY WHY WHY....
I would really like a smooth go of "it" for a change.
"No one ever wins in heartbreak warfare."-John Mayer
True. Torterous. Is that how you spell it???
I hope so.

Boobies

So....I've taken the plunge....:) Finally after a very long time of consideration I have breast augmentation in 6 days. I'm nervous, but excited. I understand and know this will not change who I am nor what I am about. I know this choice will not solve all of my issues, change my opinion about myself, or my morals. What I do know is I will feel a small piece of my womanhood come back to me. I cherish my children and what my body went through to nourish them but also understand that now that I am done having kids that it's okay to feel good about myself as well. Haters are going to hate and judgers are going to judge. I am not concerned. Here i go!

Sorry God, I was too busy at church to spend time with you...

So....tough subject. At church, wrapped up in understanding that I forget why I'm truly there. Not for a sermon that I need to overanalyze and how it applies to my life, rather there to feel God and hear how he speaks to me. That feeling of sensing God's presence in a church is almost stranger like. No I'm not saying that church is bad or doesn't help but maybe a true search on Gods presence and the reason we congragate should be visited. So many are quick to jump to conclusion when a fellow churchgoer isn't there.
I just find it interesting and on my heart.

End of November

Just what it says.....about to embark upon December with a challenged feeling. Feeling full of ruts and left without a map.
Feeling a Julie Andrews tune rise up in my throat..... *sigh* "Perhaps I had a wicked childhood, perhaps I had a miserable youth, But somewhere in my wicked miserable past, there must have been a moment of truth..."
Goodnight

Sweet Surrender

"It doesn’t mean much
It doesn’t mean anything at all
The life I’ve left behind me
Is a cold room
I’ve crossed the last line
From where I can’t return
Where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me
And led me from my home"
-Sarah McLachlan

A good phrase for where I'm at right now. Funny how her songs can dictate one's life...
Beyond that though....Being in a good place feels comfy. So much work to do that I'm already exhausted...it's so easy to let my fears take control and lead me down a road where a dead end awaits me. The customary split in the road, which way to go. And then there's the Bete Noire, awaiting my arrival at his desired ending for my travels. Well let me tell you my adversary, you will not win. You wage war with God and leave my soul in the balance. You're foolish. Go sit in your cave with your own skeletons and await your impending doom there.

The Shack>of hope

At work about 2 weeks ago one of my girlfriends was at her desk reading a book that seemed to have captivated all of her. Being a avid book reader I was curious about the book she was reading. She told me only a small amount about the plot and that as a Christian I really should read this book. A few days later she dropped it off at my desk for me borrow and gave me a warning. "Don't read this at work, you will cry. I had to stop reading here because of the emotions." So I took it home curious of it's contents. That night I read a few pages and due to the feelings that surfaced I put it down and didn't pick it back up again for about a week. Instead I focused on a book that did nothing for me. Finally after searching for another book to read and finding the only book in my posession that I had not read yet was The Shack. So I settled down determined to read this book. I don't want to give away the contents of this seemingly magical gem of understanding, heartwrenching, and leaving you breathless story.
It is so relatable that I felt like the character. It's so hard to not give away anything. We are all imperfect and have many different issues as Christians and this book has the ability to bring healing. I have come to find that what I thought was a relationship with my heavenly Father was nothing more then what the world has told me it should be. After reading this book and praying in a different way to MY Papa, feeling him surround me and seeing the changes in my life...well, it's exciting and healing to say the least. Buy yourself a copy and one for everyone in your family. You will not regret it.

Salem Rain

Is it odd that I am more incline to open my windows when it's raining rather then when it is sunny? There is something about the rain that draws me in. The intoxicating smell, the sounds of it coming down, and the way it washes everything clean. Living in Oregon is a plus for all of this. Rather then staring out an apartment window I would prefer to be out in the woods, tucked away in a cabin. But alas it is June and the sun is right around the corner. As soon as it hits I will be a happy bird ready to get outside and play. No real reason for this post other then sitting by the window and smelling the clean air.

Can I actually change the world?

That is the ten million dollar question today. Well pretty much every day sometimes I just forget to put on my super hero thinking cap. Unlike my grade school days my thinking cap no longer seems to exist or someone stole it. Not sure which yet but if fould please return to rightful owner. *taking a deep breath* okay....so the feeling of doing something great (or writing something great) is still weighing heavily on me as it always has, just heavier now. I get SO discouraged easily and purposely distract myself with mind-numbing activities. I need some gingkobalboa, if that is even spelled correctly. So if any of you have the anti writers block antidote please send it to me....prayers work good too.

Mi Familia

I love my family. Love them. I know they love me. Getting to be an adult and make decisions is a huge thing. Doing it alone and knowing your alone is kind of crappy. I will be respectful. 100%. I know God has wonderful things in store for me as his child. I will rely on that and pray for the rest to work out.
Benigno numine!

Live, Laugh, and Love

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (The Message)

16-18So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.

So true, we have so many things to look forward to yet we stay focused on the here and now. Negatives are just that, negative. It leads to negative thinking and is just a downward spiral from there. At the bottom of the pity tunnel even just looking up and seeing the heavens is a positive and something to focus on. Today I am going to be thankful for breathing. Another day to fulfill and spend with my amazing children.

Cadbury Pink

Glass of wine and pink toenail polish. A girls night doesn't get much better than that. A good way to end my weekend. Which is wenesday and thursday. So tomorrow, everybody elses friday is my monday. Not a good thing if you ask me. But alas, whats a girl to do. If I wasn't so centered on weight loss I would add Cadbury chocolate to the mix but I settled for a "chocolate" powerbar. Kinda tasted like stale chocolate. Fresh clean sheets await me and hopefully sweet dreams. I know halfway through the night my daughter will stumble into my bed and curl up right next to me. All in all, it's a great night!