A decade.....

Lily would be ten tomorrow. I admit I haven't looked at her scrapbook in a few years...I've been too scared. I know the emotion that it brings. I set the book in front of me face down tonight. Too scared to turn it over so instead I spent time running my fingers over it and remembering being pregnant with her. I was scared and excited for her birth. Never thinking that the abuse I endured could hurt her. How can I blame someone with 100% without knowing for sure. How? I do know I want her back and would give anything in this world or any other world to have her again. After sitting with the book in front of me for awhile I set it on the ground away from me. It eventually ended up back in front of me. Upon turning it over and seeing that precious face I lost it. Without even crying I had an ocean of tears running down my face. I finally worked enough courage up to open it. Seeing my pregnancy photos tugged at my heart. Then it went into labor....that stung. Finally seeing her sweet little body in that condition....I lost it. GOOD GOD I lost it. My heart feels like exploding from the emotion it brings. It may have already exploded. She was perfect. Absolutely perfect and deserved an amazing life. I couldn't protect her. During that time I thought God cared. I'm still torn over that one. An innocent, perfect being and He lets that go so easily. So Lilyan.....I love you. Forever my heart will ache and my arms to hold you. And 10 years old. Wow. What would you be like? Sassy? Quiet? A blonde? Would your red highlights have stayed? You would be in 4th grade. Almost done with elementary school. I had so many hopes and dreams for you. I had a wonderful pink and purple nursery ready for you. You came and left my world so quickly and quietly. My body ached after you were born. I wanted to nurse you so bad. Leaving that hospital empty handed broke my heart. Shattered it. I will never forget that empty feeling of going home and not having you. Your empty room and my empty heart. My life is forever changed because of you. When I go and visit your grave I just want to dig all the way down to you and take you away from there. You don't belong there my baby. I wonder about my hope....but I do know I have hope. I grieve with that hope. "I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake from which I'll never part. God has you in his arms, I have you in my heart."

You musn't be afraid....

to dream a little bigger, darling. Isn't that the truth? This is something that has been weighing tediously on me lately. Quote "I want to live a life worth writing about." I feel like (sadly enough) I have accomplished this. I've noticed that a lot of memories of mine have been stuffed down to the very core of my soul where I have anxiously pushed them. I look back due to certain circumstances and these certain memories so rudely interupt my life. How sad, how sad these memories make me. Not so much angry anymore but regretful in that I was once such a passive woman and let things slide that I never should have. It turns my stomach and it feels like more of a movie reel of memories turned into a movie of a life that isn't mine. Perhaps turning these memories into a book whether fiction or not would make me face them and deal with them. I sit down to write my current novels these days and it's like I have attention deficit disorder. Clearly I don't have that disease but I can't seem to focus on what I want. Discouraging is what it is. I have so much floating around up in my head idea wise but I choke when it comes time to communicate it.

???????????????????????????????

This posting requires no title...as my feeling apparently requires little to no attention. What do you do when you find yourself in a situation where neither one is to blame but there is still hurt~~~~~~ohhhh what to do? what to do??? How do you get it back to good....how??? I don't like punishment..i don't like it at all..god damnit i have fucking value. Tossing me aside is not an option....that's happened since i've left the womb and i am more than sick of it. I cannot...no strike that <----- last statement....I WILL NOT DO IT ANYMORE. DO YOU HEAR ME COSMIC WHOM THE FUCK EVER....uhhhhh take the flower earmuffs off and listen to this lowly human please...It's nothing that is owed to me by any means whatsoever but i will NOT settle!

That 'old' feeling

That same feeling....putting yourself out there. Out there to be loved or hated, judged or understood, appreciated or cast aside. It can make or break you. After so many tries at this you would think one would master this. Surprisingly, it seems impossible. Feeling as frail as flower petal we do it again. And again....annnnnd again. Wonder what makes it worth it to do it repeatedly...almost masochistic to know we may get hurt over and over but continue as though something could change. Then the feeling of shame and self loathing comes when it's the same result. Temporary soothing such as wine, girl bonding and shopping feels good but you lay down in bed at the end of the day to that depressed veil. Very consuming....

Farewell, false love, the oracle of lies, A mortal foe and enemy to rest: False Love: Desire: Beauty frail adieu Dead is the root whence all these fancies grew. ~Sir Walter Raleigh~ I'm on the verge of tears. I'm shocked at the double standard, the lies.

Fer-USTRATED

10:26 am. I want to do what I want to do. I am feeling backed against a wall right now. Against that wall is where I tend to lash out and my decisions very quickly. I really wish I could talk to my mom and hear her wisdom. Although, in my heart I know what she would say to me. It all comes down to one word..."Jimothy." Sounds strange I know but it makes sense to me. I await somewhat patiently, knowing that within time things will work out as they ultimately should. Perhaps I am overthinking? Perhaps I am not trying hard enough? Perhaps I am falling into old ways? One thing is for sure....to continue on this particular road I need a miracle to overcome. Maybe there is a spell out there that prove to be of help. In the end what if I come back to this same road I'm on....too many possibilities. One thing I do know...."Do whatever makes you happy cause in the end, you're the only one who's guaranteed to be there."

If you want more love, why don't you say so?

Oy vay.
Again I say Oy vay.
WHY WHY WHY....
I would really like a smooth go of "it" for a change.
"No one ever wins in heartbreak warfare."-John Mayer
True. Torterous. Is that how you spell it???
I hope so.