A decade.....

Lily would be ten tomorrow. I admit I haven't looked at her scrapbook in a few years...I've been too scared. I know the emotion that it brings. I set the book in front of me face down tonight. Too scared to turn it over so instead I spent time running my fingers over it and remembering being pregnant with her. I was scared and excited for her birth. Never thinking that the abuse I endured could hurt her. How can I blame someone with 100% without knowing for sure. How? I do know I want her back and would give anything in this world or any other world to have her again. After sitting with the book in front of me for awhile I set it on the ground away from me. It eventually ended up back in front of me. Upon turning it over and seeing that precious face I lost it. Without even crying I had an ocean of tears running down my face. I finally worked enough courage up to open it. Seeing my pregnancy photos tugged at my heart. Then it went into labor....that stung. Finally seeing her sweet little body in that condition....I lost it. GOOD GOD I lost it. My heart feels like exploding from the emotion it brings. It may have already exploded. She was perfect. Absolutely perfect and deserved an amazing life. I couldn't protect her. During that time I thought God cared. I'm still torn over that one. An innocent, perfect being and He lets that go so easily. So Lilyan.....I love you. Forever my heart will ache and my arms to hold you. And 10 years old. Wow. What would you be like? Sassy? Quiet? A blonde? Would your red highlights have stayed? You would be in 4th grade. Almost done with elementary school. I had so many hopes and dreams for you. I had a wonderful pink and purple nursery ready for you. You came and left my world so quickly and quietly. My body ached after you were born. I wanted to nurse you so bad. Leaving that hospital empty handed broke my heart. Shattered it. I will never forget that empty feeling of going home and not having you. Your empty room and my empty heart. My life is forever changed because of you. When I go and visit your grave I just want to dig all the way down to you and take you away from there. You don't belong there my baby. I wonder about my hope....but I do know I have hope. I grieve with that hope. "I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake from which I'll never part. God has you in his arms, I have you in my heart."

You musn't be afraid....

to dream a little bigger, darling. Isn't that the truth? This is something that has been weighing tediously on me lately. Quote "I want to live a life worth writing about." I feel like (sadly enough) I have accomplished this. I've noticed that a lot of memories of mine have been stuffed down to the very core of my soul where I have anxiously pushed them. I look back due to certain circumstances and these certain memories so rudely interupt my life. How sad, how sad these memories make me. Not so much angry anymore but regretful in that I was once such a passive woman and let things slide that I never should have. It turns my stomach and it feels like more of a movie reel of memories turned into a movie of a life that isn't mine. Perhaps turning these memories into a book whether fiction or not would make me face them and deal with them. I sit down to write my current novels these days and it's like I have attention deficit disorder. Clearly I don't have that disease but I can't seem to focus on what I want. Discouraging is what it is. I have so much floating around up in my head idea wise but I choke when it comes time to communicate it.