Farewell, false love, the oracle of lies, A mortal foe and enemy to rest: False Love: Desire: Beauty frail adieu Dead is the root whence all these fancies grew. ~Sir Walter Raleigh~ I'm on the verge of tears. I'm shocked at the double standard, the lies.

Fer-USTRATED

10:26 am. I want to do what I want to do. I am feeling backed against a wall right now. Against that wall is where I tend to lash out and my decisions very quickly. I really wish I could talk to my mom and hear her wisdom. Although, in my heart I know what she would say to me. It all comes down to one word..."Jimothy." Sounds strange I know but it makes sense to me. I await somewhat patiently, knowing that within time things will work out as they ultimately should. Perhaps I am overthinking? Perhaps I am not trying hard enough? Perhaps I am falling into old ways? One thing is for sure....to continue on this particular road I need a miracle to overcome. Maybe there is a spell out there that prove to be of help. In the end what if I come back to this same road I'm on....too many possibilities. One thing I do know...."Do whatever makes you happy cause in the end, you're the only one who's guaranteed to be there."

If you want more love, why don't you say so?

Oy vay.
Again I say Oy vay.
WHY WHY WHY....
I would really like a smooth go of "it" for a change.
"No one ever wins in heartbreak warfare."-John Mayer
True. Torterous. Is that how you spell it???
I hope so.

Boobies

So....I've taken the plunge....:) Finally after a very long time of consideration I have breast augmentation in 6 days. I'm nervous, but excited. I understand and know this will not change who I am nor what I am about. I know this choice will not solve all of my issues, change my opinion about myself, or my morals. What I do know is I will feel a small piece of my womanhood come back to me. I cherish my children and what my body went through to nourish them but also understand that now that I am done having kids that it's okay to feel good about myself as well. Haters are going to hate and judgers are going to judge. I am not concerned. Here i go!

Sorry God, I was too busy at church to spend time with you...

So....tough subject. At church, wrapped up in understanding that I forget why I'm truly there. Not for a sermon that I need to overanalyze and how it applies to my life, rather there to feel God and hear how he speaks to me. That feeling of sensing God's presence in a church is almost stranger like. No I'm not saying that church is bad or doesn't help but maybe a true search on Gods presence and the reason we congragate should be visited. So many are quick to jump to conclusion when a fellow churchgoer isn't there.
I just find it interesting and on my heart.

End of November

Just what it says.....about to embark upon December with a challenged feeling. Feeling full of ruts and left without a map.
Feeling a Julie Andrews tune rise up in my throat..... *sigh* "Perhaps I had a wicked childhood, perhaps I had a miserable youth, But somewhere in my wicked miserable past, there must have been a moment of truth..."
Goodnight

Sweet Surrender

"It doesn’t mean much
It doesn’t mean anything at all
The life I’ve left behind me
Is a cold room
I’ve crossed the last line
From where I can’t return
Where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me
And led me from my home"
-Sarah McLachlan

A good phrase for where I'm at right now. Funny how her songs can dictate one's life...
Beyond that though....Being in a good place feels comfy. So much work to do that I'm already exhausted...it's so easy to let my fears take control and lead me down a road where a dead end awaits me. The customary split in the road, which way to go. And then there's the Bete Noire, awaiting my arrival at his desired ending for my travels. Well let me tell you my adversary, you will not win. You wage war with God and leave my soul in the balance. You're foolish. Go sit in your cave with your own skeletons and await your impending doom there.